The five stages of realising you won’t be going to a music festival this summer

Updated: May 29, 2021

DO you think you look arty and cool in your new dungarees? Your partner thinks you look like an embarrassing twat. Here are some other items of clothing likely to end your relationship.

Dungarees

Adults who wear dungarees think they look like edgy creatives, when in fact they resemble monstrously overgrown toddlers who need help taking them off to go to the toilet. Your pair won’t make it through their first outing without your partner suddenly realising how much they fancy your best mate.

Any hat

Unless a hat is needed for practical reasons, eg. working on a building site, they mark out the wearer as an affected twat. A natty little pork pie number doesn’t make you look like Frank Sinatra in Las Vegas, it makes you look like an Olly Murs fan on a very bad day.

Crocs

Most judges would be sympathetic towards Crocs being legal grounds for divorce, so don’t even think about trying to get away with them in front of your spouse. They may be comfortable but they give every wearer the air of a sinister cult leader hell-bent on persuading everyone to drink the Kool-Aid.

A massive scarf

A normal-sized scarf is a sensible winter accessory, but if you find yourself winding something akin to a large woollen tablecloth around your neck, prepare to become single very soon. Especially criminal if you wear one in the summer with sandals and shorts.

Zip-off cargo pants

Unless you are trekking in the Himalayas, there’s absolutely no need for you to be able to quickly turn your trousers into shorts without taking them off. If you do this in the pub or garden centre your partner will probably leave you on the spot, and rightly so.


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