No point being middle class without John Lewis, Britain agrees

Updated: June 3, 2021

CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.

Set realistic targets

Going cold turkey with your furious wanking regime is never going to work. Instead, set achievable goals and stick to them. Try leaving a couple of hours between each session of self-abuse and work your way up from there. Before you know it your wrists will no longer sound like pepper grinders.

Become a Catholic

Being brainwashed into thinking that masturbation is a mortal sin seems like a heavy price to pay, but joining the Catholic Church isn’t all doom and gloom. If you crave attention what could be better than confession on a regular basis? Plus you’ll get a couple of Father Ted jokes that might have gone over your head.

Activate parental controls

Banning smut from your phone and laptop will nip your wanking marathons in the bud. After a year of gawping at online porn your erotic imagination will have dried up, leaving you with no way to arouse yourself. You could always buy a top-shelf magazine, but are you strong enough to endure the disapproval of the cashier? No.

Wear a chastity belt

Locking up your nether regions in medieval abstinence cages and throwing away the keys makes going to the toilet difficult, but it’s a sure-fire way to keep your hands off your junk. That’s unless you get turned on by bondage stuff, in which case you’re on your own.

Start a new hobby

Preferably the least arousing one possible. This rules out jigsaws of Renaissance paintings because they’ve got boobs in them. Stamp collecting is out because the Queen was a bit of a looker back in the day. And don’t even think about trainspotting either because they’re in and out of tunnels all the time. Stick with one of the weirder hobbies like brass rubbing, and pray to God you’re not turned on by that.


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