How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule

Updated: June 3, 2021

THE EU has been puzzled to find the UK still yapping around its heels months after it had supposedly left for good.

The trading bloc was relieved when its most troublesome member left to take control of its own affairs, but has since found Britain wants to stick around to have arguments about vaccines and paperwork. 

EU politician Michel Barnier said: “We thought we were done with the UK. We thought, okay, strange decision, but it’s up to you. Good luck selling cheese to Singapore.

“But now Britain wants to hang around the EU endlessly, like those kids who leave school at 16 and then turn up outside the gates every afternoon on a shitty little scooter.

“You’ve left now. We explained this to your negotiators, very carefully and slowly in the only language you understand. We even used drawings and, during one session with David Davis, sock puppets.

“A common analogy is someone who’s cancelled their gym membership and still wants to use the facilities. But you’re like someone who wants to take a running machine home and shit in the jacuzzi.

“It’s all been a massive, pointless hassle. But no other countries are thinking of leaving now. And, most importantly, we don’t have to watch those prancing UKIP twats in the European Parliament. 

“So overall, thanks.”

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