How to stop an an ex moving on, by your ex

REMEMBER me? Apparently not well enough. You got over me a little too fast for my liking, so here’s how I’m going to mess with your head for kicks.

Remain friends

Even though you clearly didn’t mean it when you said ‘let’s stay friends’, I’ll be hanging around like an eggy guff in an unventilated room. I’ll send hot-and-cold signals on the affection front so you’re never sure if I want to start again or you’re deluded. But if you make a pass I’ll freak out.

Text late and text drunk

Nothing spins you out more than ‘thinking of u’ or ‘heyy u up?’ at 1am on a weeknight. In the cold light of day I’ll say these were drunk texts meant for someone else. In reality they were carefully typed and proofread to deliver the maximum emotionally-devastating payload.

Recall the good times

Steering each and every conversation down memory lane will make you doubt why we ever even broke up. Difficult if you’re talking about a bereavement or a toothache, so don’t be afraid to be blunt. ‘So sorry your cat got run over, reminds me of our sexy Batman-Catwoman roleplay?’

Shag regularly

If you’re still not putty in my hands I’ll randomly turn up on your doorstep and invite myself in for a drink. One thing will lead to full penetration and before you know it we’re bumping uglies four times a week. But I’ll refuse to talk about it and ghost you the moment someone swipes right on me.

Dumped again

This will come out of the blue because we haven’t actually said we’re going out, but it’s a great way for me to stay in the emotional driving seat. You’ll probably be a bit heartbroken, try to improve yourself, and then meet someone new. That’s when you can expect me to rinse and repeat all of the above. See you then.


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