Updated: June 12, 2021
Boris Johnson is now unemployed after another horrifically misjudged attempt at humour.
The Prime Minister and haunted haystack Tweeted “I have decided to resign” yesterday morning, which sent the whole country into a state of immediate celebration.
“Shit shit shit,” declared Johnson today after learning his ‘joke’ had led to nothing but nationwide parties, as he set about frantically jabbing at his mobile telephone.
“It was a joke… how do I… why is my Twitter suddenly not working? It’s like someone stopped me from updating it the moment I posted that hilarious joke so I couldn’t clarify how funny it was, or that it was ACTUALLY a joke.
“I’m not…I’m not actually resigning…everyone knows that, surely?”
“GOODBYE!” beamed citizen, Hayley Rice.
“What a tremendous start to April. Boris is fucking off, and I’ve just eaten a Creme Egg.”
Boris stammered, “look I really think we ought to-”
“THANK FUCK FOR THAT!” interrupted Buckingham Palace spokesperson, Simon Williams.
“Oh wait… sorry, that’s entirely the wrong tone for my position… but it’s hard to mask one’s true feelings.
“Ahem…Her Majesty the Queen reluctantly accepts Mr Johnson’s resignation and wishes him the best on his future endeavours, whether they be stumbling through a twice-yearly board meeting for a multi-national, or slinging his rod up someone who isn’t his wife.
“Her Majesty also sends her warmest regards to whichever unfortunate soul currently acts as Mr Johnson’s girlfriend, fiancé or wife, and her best wishes to his five or six children.”