Updated: June 3, 2021
A draft government white paper proposing that all babies should be tattoed with a gigantic Union Jack has been leaked to the press this morning.
As all babies already look like Winston Churchill, they will also be granted extra protection to prevent the woke from throwing them in a river.
However, constituent nations of the Union have raised concerns about the proposals, with Nicola Sturgeon pointing out the tattoo would clearly contradict SNP policy of all babies born in Scotland being dipped in blue paint like Achilles in the Styx, and the Ulster Unionists insisting that the bright red hand-print which every baby gets on its arse immediately after birth remain clearly visible.
There has been some opposition to the proposals, though any reluctant parents who have publicly raised concerns about the proposals have been repeatedly asked why the hate this country so much, and whether they might prefer loving somewhere else.
New father Simon Williams told us, “Apparently not wanting to tattoo the skin of my six-week-old daughter makes me a ‘Queen-hating communist who needs to go and live in the EU’.
“It seems that unwavering commitment to a flag, in the face of all reason, is how we measure patriotism these days.”
The proposals also contain several suggestions for patriotic baby-names, with the spelling of ‘Brian’ being changed to ‘Britain’ for extra patriotism points.